Welcome back, college football players and fans. As a public service, The Courier-Journal has compiled a list of what some of the more active players did in their offseasons. Let’s welcome the start of practice, and hopefully say goodbye to so many tales like the following (culled from actual media accounts).
WHAT WE DID IN THE OFFSEASON
By Selected Bonehead College Football players
During this offseason, we . . .
Damaged a parking-lot control arm and breaking four potted plants at a hospital
Urinated on the wall of a bank building
Sneaked into someone’s house, demanded money and jewelry from the owner, then shot him twice in front of his five-year-old child.
Drove under the influence of alcohol. A lot.
Ran over a roadside mailbox — the left the scene.
Got into bar fights. Lots of bar fights.
Stole beer from a gay night club — after using a fake-ID to enter the establishment underaged.
Led eight policemen on a 20-minute chase half-naked.
Caused a ruckus outside a Tampa establishment called the Honey-Pot Bar, and, when arrested and put into the back of a squad car, kicked out one of the windows.
Punched through the window of a car that bumped my scooter
Got into a fight with some soccer players. Got our front teeth knocked out. Hit one of them so hard with a frying pan that we broke the handle. Puked when the cops were arresting us.
Got pulled over and cited for driving on a suspended licence on the way home from serving 45 days in jail on convictions of stealing a debit card and putting rubbing alcohol in my roomate’s contact lens case.
Stole credit cards. Lots of them.
Burglarized a woman’s apartment and tried to suffocate her with her own pillow.
Committed robbery with an air pistol
Used a dead teammates credit card.
Ran through a fraternity house wielding a machete and threatening to kill people.
Sexual assault. Lots of sexual assault.
Pushed a campus cop and took his ticket book.
Pulled a knife on a teammate in the school cafeteria.
Got in a campus gunfight with a non-student.
Rented 13 pornographic movies and ran up $300 on girlfriends cable bill, then got arrested in a domestic dispute.
Got arrested for fighting with a guy who had allegedly stepped on a friend’s shoes.
Robbed a convenience store with an imitation Uzi.
Ah, college football. You have to love it.