Deciphering Calipari's tweet

For those of you who are on Twitter (and, by the way, you can follow me @ericcrawford), perhaps you saw a recent message from UK coach John Calipari, who tweeted thusly:

UKCoachCalipari This is unbelievable. Tomorrow we will !#$@+&%# that %&$* %&:; has $@~’%# to *2$( at %&%#&%$. Can u believe this!

Some have wondered what the coach meant by this cryptic posting. Luckily, I’ve studied some classical Greek and a little Hebrew. Also, I’ve deciphered my own really messy handwriting. Armed with that experience, and combining it with a special alphabet created by none other than J.R.R. Tolkein, I believe I have divined the meaning of the message.

! – On most American computer keyboards, this symbol appears above the No. 1, clearly meaning that Calipari has acquired something No. 1 in nature. When contacted, some of the top linguistics professors at NYU were split on whether this meant Calipari was saying he was landing the No. 1 player in the nation, the No. 1 class, or both.

# – This charater, the pound or number sign in North America, is similar in nature to the musical notation “sharp,” which in musical terms means higher in pitch. Clearly, this news to which Calipari is speaking will, in literal terms, “take something up a notch.”

$ – The U.S. dollar sign term appears above the No. 4 on most keyboards, thereby indicating four of something. This group of four could be four players, four of a certain ranking of recruit, etc.

@ – In modal logic, when speaking of possible worlds, the “at” sign is sometimes used to mean the actual world, or world we are “at.” Calipari, then, could well be speaking of something moving from the realm of possible to actual.

+ – By using the mathematical sign for addition, Calipari is stating that something, or someone, has been added to his program.

& – Here the coach reinforces the previous character with what might, at first, seem a note of redundancy. The ampersand also links one word or item to another. However, this is an old-school symbol, dating all the way back to the first century A.D., and may reflect the coach’s respect for tradition.

% – The percent sign appears above the No. 5 on U.S. computer keyboards, therefore indicating that the number 5 figures prominiently in this information, (i.e. 5 stars, etc.)

%&$* %&:; – This group of characters is to be taken as one. It is a proper name, clearly a noun from the context of the statement. By adding the corresponding numbers of the characters, one comes up with the sum 36. By assigning the numeric value of “4” to each of the grammatical symbols included, colon, and semicolon, the total markings of which add up to four, gives you a new sum of “44.” Therefore, the new name shall contain four letters in the first name, and four in the last.

$@~’%# – The context of the statement denotes this to be a verb in the past tense, following the word “has.” The $ symbol, when separated, gives the letters “si.” The @, when unraveled, forms a “g.” The ~ symbol often appears over the letter “n” in Spanish. Apostrophes are often accompanied by the letter “n.” Scholars currently are in disagreement over the interpreatation of the final two symbols, but given the requirement of a past tense, they must represent “ed,” leaving the word “signed.”

*2$( – This sequence follows the verb “to,” and is quite simple. 2$ is the base amount for a bet in thoroughbred wagering, an amount that would be familiar to horse players in Kentucky. Hence the translation — “to play.”

%&%#&%$ – These characters refer to a desination, and are preceded by the word “at.” Add the correspnding numbers of these characters together and you get 36. Add those together (3+6) and it equals nine. Which, as all of the Big Blue faithful no doubt instantly realize, is the exact number you get when you use the Jewish gematria numerological system on the word “Wildcats” (5+9+2+4+3+1+2+1=27 … 2+7=9).

Therefore, Calipari has given UK fans a clear message. John Wall signs (or signed) to play at Wildcats.

A former NCAA representative, after regaining his composure, said that Calipari violated no known NCAA rules with this transmission.

DISCLAIMER: Lest anyone take this seriously, Calipari quickly followed his excited Twtitter exclamation with two more: Twitter called and said they had tons of calls about a garbled message. Some went back and put letters in to see the special message. . . . Still others with bad language habits thought I was cursing…….I WAS HAVING FUN!!

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